“Swadi, its 7:30! Get up will you, you lazy bum. You have to leave for school!” “Amma, just 5 minutes more. Pleeeeease!”
“Swadi, stop worrying so much. You are gonna do real well in tomorrow’s exam.” “But Amma, I have like the whole syllabus to learn through the night. Will you stay up with me?” “Yeah.. I will, Kunja… Tell me if you want chai..”
“What’s up, girl? Dressing up so much for your chemistry lecture?” “Amma, I like this guy in my class. Am asking him out for coffee!” “Oh my god, Swadi!”
“Swadi.. heart breaks can be mended with chaat you know.. Maybe, ice cream will be even better.. How about you chuck the long face and step out with me for some chaat and ice cream?” “Love you, Amma.”
It has been 4.11 years since I had such conversations with Amma. It will be 5 years in a couple of weeks. I am not even going to write about how much I miss her and so on. That’s a given. She was the anchor of our lives, and the confidant of so many more she loved. She taught us too much, loved us too much, and left us too soon. She was magic. Even when she left us, she left back lessons to learn. Lessons that make me what I am today.
No, Mother’s Day is not reminding me of her. Mother’s Day compels me to tell you all some things I never talk about. And to remind me some lessons that I keep forgetting, running along with life at a break-neck speed.
I took her presence for granted. I never thought she would just disappear before we had seen it all together. We had too much fun, while she was around, despite all the hardships and everything.
But then, every time I go to a beach, I think about how she left before any of us could fulfil her dream of watching the sunset at Kanyakumari, sitting on a rock (as she would say). Too humble a dream, now that I think about it, after travelling to bloody Bali for two weeks. I have come such a long way in life…. Makes me feel even lousier. Not in the sense that she would have died peacefully had she seen the sunset at Kanyakumari. No. It would still have been unfair. Life being snatched away from a soulful woman like her, so full of wisdom, love, unending wit, mischief, charm and life.
I feel lousy because I was so wound up in the so-called turmoil of my being and life that I did not think about planning that small trip to Kanyakumari for Amma. The gleam in her eyes while enjoying the sea waves would have been worth this life time. I have made peace with it though. Or I am in the process of doing that. One has to. Besides, I meet her most nights. In my dreams. She is a part of every good dream. And some day, we will travel to Kanyakumari and watch the sunset together---albeit in my dreams.
But you don’t have to do that. Give your mother the gift of experience while you still have the chance to do that. Heck, take her to Goa! Reschedule that trip of yours to Ladakh and take her to a place that she has never been to.
Parents compromise too much… on most of their dreams and ambitions.. Obviously because their lives practically revolve around their kids’. That’s nature I guess. At least in our culture. And we get too embroiled in our lives, forgetting to spend time with our loved ones.. the kind of time that matters. It’s a battle. A battle of learning to prioritize the priorities.. I am still fighting that battle. And this is just to remind you all that, mother’s day or Tuesday, thank them all while you can. I am trying to in my little way:
When I say “Love you, Appa” to my 73 year-old father, I can hear the laughter in his voice through the phone, although he is too embarrassed to reciprocate in words. But that unseeing smile makes my freaking day.
When I call my mom-in-law from work to thank her for the bhindi sabzi and rotis in my lunch box, the conversation is a little stilted, coz I am almost in tears, overwhelmed with gratitude and emotions that I haven’t felt for 5 years. But her reply of “You are MOST welcome, Swathi” is reassuringly loving. Almost undeservedly so.
I am trying. I have a long way to go.. too much love to reciprocate.. to many thank yous. Some people do it so easily.. They know to prioritize their priorities :)
Someday, I hope I am able to make the “Kanyakumari-like” dream of all my loved ones come true. Someday.
You do that too, while you have the chance to…
Much love.
